


what light through yonder window breaks?it is ...loki!

by pritispuki



Category: Avengers, Loki - Fandom, Marvel, Thor - Fandom, thorki AU - Fandom
Genre: M/M, clint is a servant, eric is a nanny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-02 16:59:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 14,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4067653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pritispuki/pseuds/pritispuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>loki is a spoiled julia an thor-a not so smart romeo.fandral does the writing here.yes it is a trashy story</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thor is in love!

**Author's Note:**

> wellsee21 and rat mommy asked me,if i can do something other than a long sad story like nordic tragedy.this is a really bad crack.also the keyboard still doesnt work,so i apologize for any mistakes.sorry

 

 

"aaaaaaaaa!"  
was a long relaxing yawn coming from a person stretching in the most comfortable,most expensive,most ...most everything bed.and his room was not to follow behind.the best of renaissance furniture masters and painters ...all of that was here.including some new fresh roses his nanny eric brought him.it was only 11 something am...

"oh it is too early",he murmured.he needed his beauty sleep and bad,but he aint gonna get it now,because someone was ...what...trowing small rocks at his window...an that woke him up.  
someone of his suitors probably...oh he could not get rid of them.and no surprise there.  
another looong yawn..and another rock .."doom!"  
loki lifted his tall thin body and dragged himself to the mirror.he turned to the sides few times to examine himself..despite that his hair was like lions mane and face shriveled from sleeping ,and he was in still in his night gown,he found himself...perfect ...and smiled...but then...

"nanny!come over here !quickly!it is a matter of life and death!nanny!nanny!nanny....!"  
the old man aka his nanny rushed in holding a pan.he also wore an apron.  
"what!what has happen my dear?!"-good old nanny slevig asked,searching for a probable thief,or someone who will take loki s virginity by force...(yeah...loki lost that some time ago cough cough,and nooooo he was not a drunken slut ,noooo).  
"nannyyyyyy...",loki whined-does this dress make my but look bigger?"  
eric sighted putting his pan down.a probable suitor then...  
"no...i told you a 1000 times, you look magnificent in everything ,my child."  
"and my hair...where is clint?! he is to dress me up,and braid me and put some powder ...um...here..here...and here.."-he pointed to his face,neck,chest...  
"clint is sick today,honey."-selvig said.  
"ewwww..is it something contagious?"  
"well yeah...i am afraid it is,so today you will have to do all that...on your own."-he lied.  
loki turned wide eyed.  
"...what!"  
\---------------------------------------------------  
thor was throwing little stone of happiness as,he called them...for only..um 3 hours before his beloved was to gift him with his presence upon that balcony.  
he saw loki for the first time on that party .his father organized just to show off,and loki,a laufeyson,a member of a family odin was not terribly fond of..there reason was...um,what was it...oh yeah...odin and laufey were great friends 20 years ago and then...uh...the reason was too hurtful to recall it,so he dismiss the thought.his head hurt when he would over-think anyway.but loki ,oh ...the way he moved among the people...the way he licked his lips after removing that glass of something mostly non-alcoholic (coz loki is too fragile to drink something like that.so it was sure to be a fruit juice) from them...he was a mystery and we was a ..  
"...cat!"  
"huh?his friend fandral arrived there pointing at kitty that was eating small cakes of the table.

"hey,leave Natalie alone!",thor yelled...-his pet kitty could go anywhere she wanted to..she could even stick her head in the bowl of cookies..  
"um,hey fandral what do you think of her...?" now thor was pointing at someone...  
fandral exposed his infamous grin .  
"oh ,which one thor ,for they are all..so ...um...sexxxxxxx...extravagant.yes extravagant!that is what i meant."thor was not a as open minded as he was,and he had to bite his tongue around him now and then.

thor smiled cheerfully,looking like Natalie among cookies....  
"that one,do you not see,her friend...that dark maiden there..!"  
fandral just made a confusing grimace...  
"um, thor that is not a she,but a he...that is loki laufeyson."  
"no!" the tall nobleman gasped.  
"yup!"  
"oh my...laufeyson...such a pity."-he could cry now...maybe it was those times of the month.thor never understood what that meant,but when women were overly sensitive they would excuse themselves with that.he decided to give it a shot,and it worked.no one was bothering him then.ha!but they did glared at him weirdly.  
fandral put his arm around thor s neck...  
"look do you like him?"  
"um..i suppose so..."  
"well then...go and get him!"  
"but,but ...what if he does not like me?i am an odinson!"  
"you will never know if you do not try."  
and thor swallowed hard (a cookie from the same bowl natalie was in)and started toddling to his princess..but when he came there...loki was already in his carriage waving to some people...  
"no!"  
fandral shook his head .  
"there,there...here, have a another cookie."  
\-------------------------  
so he haven't seen that black haired beauty for a whole week and he was getting impatient..very impatient...so,he got himself a new hobby - sneaking into old laufey s back yard...he would try to find loki s room ,but first attempts were...um...no,just no...it appears that loki s nanny likes to bathe-a lot,and sing-a lot !and in front of the open window.  
but,fortunately,the fortune has done something...um...fortunate and one day he saw him...he was like a rainbow after a rainy day...he was like a..um..um...think brain ,think...well he was very very pretty...  
loki s eyes were glued to some man that was picking flowers ...  
"clint !i need to undress !now!"  
and like that,loki vanished inside....thor was behind the bushes and he saw the man puffing few times...  
who was this...impostor?who is to undress his maiden..his...urgh...thor was not even taking notice of his servant s clothing...no...he jumped and attacked the poor guy...after leaving him with all the bruises he heard loki s nanny calling for clint (and this was clint then,huh?) and he run to the artificial pond.a dead end !the fence was to high to climb over ,or onto, so he did the only thing he could do .he was faking a sculpture like those with wase from which the water was pouring..eric luckily didn't saw him,but he screamed like a proper nanny should when he saw clint.and thor had enough time to marvel at the technical wonders of that time.where does all this water come from?


	2. A poem?

since his loyal servant ,barton was sick (more like,he had a broken rib and leg and he was crying like a baby all covered up in bandages like a mummy) loki had to do something he never did before-dress himself up.he picked the first dress,a green/silver one which like totally complimented his complexion and eyes...the only problem was,it was closing from the back,so he just left it half buttoned up.and,another thing, make up was not a piece of cake either...the powder entered his eyes,nose,mouth...he had to put some blush but he over did it...and the hair...  
"ouch!aaaaaaaaaaa!ouch!aaaaa...nannyyy ..."-he cried out,tears practically streaming.  
slevig was not responding,at all.he wanted loki to finally do something for himself.he can not sleep every day till 2 pm...he was such a diva...his loki.oh they grew up so was...only yesterday was erick breastfeeding (!)him instead of loki s mother farbauti...and now he is already receiving suitors and will be married off..soon.he had to wipe his tears every time he would think of that ...oh..his little baby..  
loki s hair was fine,full and curly,and every time he would brush it,it hurt ...finally,uh,but finally he was ready to see who is in the gardens today...tony?bruce?steve?or fury?oh,fury was wild one!hehehehehe.

he leaned forward smiling mischievously-"my suitor of today,my knight in shinning armor,come out ,come out where ever you are.."  
"it is i,my lady..."-thor jumped from the bushes but a root was stuck over his ankle and he almost fell,looking all clumsy . loki snorted.  
"oh... it is you."  
"yes,aren't you glad to see me,loki?"  
"hm,not so much.".-loki turned sideways crossing his arms..  
"oh,it is because i am odison ,..?"  
the very reason why the odisons and laufeysons were in a brawl was ...well..laufey stopped on odin s foot and had never apologize,so odin told him that frigga has a nicer rack than farbauti...ooooooooh!

"no! it is because you are thor..and if i am not mistaking u have a little reputation going on there."  
"really?!"-thor was shoving his teeth all...20 of them (now how much does a normal person have ?),so proud...oh yes,so many find him to be champion in battles...(well he does tell the tales,he doesn't do any battles really,he is not a god of thunder but a son of a noble man,mkay?)  
well he does ride a horse...and falls..that s the teeth explanation.  
"yes,really"-loki s tone was the one of an irritated person-"you are know as an idiot...a stupid moronic idiot..."  
"uh"-poor thor was confused.he took off his cap to scratch his head.  
"what do you mean by idiot?"  
loki rubbed his eyes-"nothing,really nothing...so,have you bring me something?for if you have not,then off with you."  
now that was his chance-"oh yes..i have wrote a poem.."  
loki raised his brows-"you.have.wrote.moi.a poem?"you?"  
yeah,fandral did it...thor said..fandral,friend of mine,would you be my wingman and write me song for loki.fandral was in the middle of smooching with a girl named georgiana,juliana,or julia or betty...thor could not remember ,so he had to wait for them to do their thing before fandral took the paper.  
...............  
present day,loki bitchin and thor coughs professionally..  
"khmkhm..."  
loki was tapping his foot...  
thor started raising his arms for more drama-like thingy scenography.

"but soft, what light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."  
"wtf!who is julia?"-loki screamed,his hairpin falling directly on thor s head.  
his suitor was now sweating...  
"i uh..i meant ...this isn't julia,oh,no..this is in short for...um?"  
"fooooooooooorrrrr?"  
"for "?-common thor (he spoke to himself) what is similar to julia?julien!dough-no!judy?jarvis?  
"screw, you thor,for i am going home..."  
he was on his way to shut the doors ,when thor s brain cell had a slight activation-"jewelery!"

"hm,did you mentioned jewelry?"  
"Y... yes...um...would you like some?"  
"oh,i dont know..perhaps...?  
"oh, yes.yes..i shall bring you all and many...just tell me what would you like!?"  
"all!"  
"ok,got it".  
and now thor ,in his enthusiasm and huge joy had to fall in the bushes,and there were no roots this time.  
loki eye-rolled.  
"idiot!"

                                                                   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok...this will go on only if u guys like it...but it seems that u dont...


	3. The chocolate...

"volstagg!"-the nanny nagging-ly yelled ,calling the cook.  
"is the breakfast ready?"  
the red bearded cook quickly rearranged the plate,so that it would not seem as if there was anything missing.and it was missing,and a lot of things -like a whole chicken,2 eggs,a tomato soup and a peach-apple-cinnamon -pie.and a carrot.he was a great chef,but he would eat almost everything he made,so slevig had to check up on him,like all the time .clint would normally do that,but erik sent him to get some vegetable from the gardens...so clint had to use a stick to walk,and jump bit by bit...vostagg said that he resembles a jumping bean with s toothpick in it.when clint bent to get some cabbage, he fell and broke his leg again...  
"um,it will be soon nanny...now,dont come any closer!" -vostagg replied from the kitchen ,obviously chewing something.  
erik entered ,arms crossed-"you haven't ate loki s and his friend s breakfast,now,did you?"  
"oooh,no,no.i would never do such a horrible thing."-he had a large piece of a pie on his beard,and soon he will have a black eye to match it.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
so thor was bestowing loki with all the sparkly,gold and glittery things imaginable,and the spoiled bachelorette was bathing in them,sprawled on his bed...all the necklaces,rings,bracelets...the fabrics from asia...and what he liked the most was the dark warm liquid,which ,when mixed with sugar,honey and milk has a taste beyond this world.the mighty chocolate...and loki was drinking hot chocolate,right now making sounds that made thor adorably confused.his father just got this from the new continent and he gave the first package to loki,who heard that this powerful potion is an aphrodisiac and was making this sounds for more than few reasons.  
"mmmmmmm..mmmmmmmmmmm ....oh thor this is soooo good...oh yes...more...thor...give me more..." loki purrrrrrred,moving all feline-ish.

thor was more than glad that loki loved his gifts,but this was affecting his little princess in a peculiar kind a way.loki looked drunk.what is this chocolate?a vodka or something?  
"um,my dearest beloved , it cant be healthy...it is your first time to try something like this.maybe your body needs to take a break,huh?"  
of course erick was holding that breakfast plate and was ears-dropping behind the doors ,when he heard loki moaning.he gasped..and stormed in,holding a large wooden spoon.  
the nanny expected loki to be with some of his lady maiden friends sewing needle-points and exchanging recipes,but..oh...no!loki was in his night gown-on the bed-with man! ..oh,oh the horror ,the horror!  
"oh,my !what are you doing here,you rascal?!"  
"i,um,nothing nanny erik selvig,we were just drinking chocolate."  
"oh,oh really,drinking chocolate.you don't think that i know what you kids mean by drinking chocolate this days,huh?i am dooooown with all your street talk ,buddy!"  
loki interrupted ,well he tried,but he knew that his nanny was exceptionally hard-headed.if he could ,he would use some device and brain washed erik.  
"nanny ...calm down..."  
"my angel...were you...um..."drinking...chocolate" ?with this half-wit?"  
"yes...i was."  
erik almost fainted,and loki managed to catch him.  
"um,thor,it would be the best if you are to leave now.yes?"  
then the nanny came to it-"oh,no,you come here!i ll teach you a lesson!"  
for an old guy in long dress and a corset ,erik was like really really fast -he run like a bull towards thor ready to strike him with that spoon...loki breathed out in relaxation when he saw that thor was faster and managed to hid behind the couch.  
"no,nanny selvig,i am a honorable man,and i would never ..."  
but the brave nanny attacked again,and thor had to make few circles around the room to avoid this crazy person.the only way out were the- doors-duh!  
"farewell,my lovely one,we shall see each other again..soon...i hope!"  
"oh did you said spooon?!take that!"  
oh ,no-the nanny caught him.


	4. Master Plan

when thor arrived home,all bloody and with large bump on his forehead...his brother tyr was the first to interrogate him about the unpleasant event.and now when his reputation was in question he couldn't and must not admit that he was beaten up by a wacko nanny.ok,so the truth was that nannies were trained like a warriors -they had to love the children they are to take care of,but they also had to protect them-which means they had to know how to use every house object as a weapon -from a wooden spoon to a broom up your...yes,the nannies were very dangerous.and some,after leaving their service would join the national army ,or just be guards...or a security at the elite parties or cheap whore houses.thor also had a phobia-when he was small,and he was forced to go to the countryside to his grandfather s villa .he faced there his ultimate enemy-the bunny named fluffy.tyr used to scare him with the trashy stories about the evil large giant bunny who would eat little boys and girls.and thor believed.and sucked on his thumb.and fluffy was large...he looked like a baby cow (thor could never remember what do you call a baby cow).and fluffy would attack!he would attack thor when he was eating a banana,a piece of meat or just doing nothing.and fluffy would bite.and hard.thor always had nightmares about fluffy,and he grew on believing that there indeed are giant bunnies attacking people.  
"so who,or...what attacked you, little brother?"-tyr was preparing himself for one of thor s idiotisms.he enjoyed them so.  
"A giant monster bunny.!"-thor said in the most convincing tone possible.  
"like,really...?"  
"oh,indeed..you should have seen him!he even had horns-like this...!

  
then frigga came in.."oh ,for goodness sake...what?"  
"it was a monster bunny mother.i went to buy some bananas and he jumped at me .but i defeated him.he must have been shipped off with the bananas from that big foreign country."  
his brother was trying not to laugh-"what -africa.?"(it is a continent!)  
"n!o"thor said...coz he was sensing that tyr was pranking him-"i believe it is from that country where they have those large fat birds-arhaica.yes arhaica."(he meant **Antarctica** )  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
it took hours upon hours for loki to explain to selvig what were thor s intentions,and in the end the nanny softened.now weeping and dancing all over the room like a freaking ballerina.but he did broke few things-like that vase from the dynasty of ming,or that priceless sculpture from ancient egypt.  
"oh,that is so romantic.so,is thor...the one.?"  
loki sighed-"i don't know.maybe."  
loki hated to admit but thor,idiot thor was dear to him.ok,so he bought him everything he wanted,he was sooooo easily to manipulate with and he was a good guy after all.and chocolate.and loki loved him.no...no...chocolate loki loved chocolate.no thor.urgh shut up brain.unlike thor s brain loki s worked constantly.this was the first time that nanny was on his side.just give erik something utterly stupid and cheesy and he is sold.loki had a problem with avoiding his keeper,but he had a strategy -he would sneak out after his bed time (like wtf- 9 pm) and he would climb down the balcony and rock the city.the first guy who caught his attention was none other than casanova himself.his real name was anthony stark,but only few knew-those he would tralalalalala.so ,ok loki had an a tiny issue with tralalalala-ing around himself,but when it came to tony ,he was jealous.when tony got rash loki finally left him.so tony had to stop with his job for a while.after the breakup loki did every1 to deal with his emotions ...from big green guys to one-eyed guys ...and now he is to marry thor.shit...but that didn't sound so bad.he lov.....nooooo...thor had a big...ok,he would use a phrase brain but he couldn't do that...no ,thor had a big hammer.there was no lalalalala here,for thor was gentleman ,but loki had a trained eye,so marrying thor wouldn't be the worst thing right...chocolate!  
"our parents would not allow us to marry.."-he remembered,brushing his hairy sadly and looking at erik with that puppy eyes like-erik you brush me instead...  
"oh fear not,my darling.i have something i got a year ago and saved for this very day."  
when his nanny returned ,he was holding a bottle with a blue liquid.  
"what in the name of a cookie monster is that,nanny?"  
"behold the tesseract !"  
"i beg your parodon?"  
"ok,it is actually a Prozac and it is for me."-and he drank it  all in one gulp.  
"uh,much better,now i can think properly hehehehe..ehehehehe....i got this from the drug dealer across the street,barnes.he looked totally reliable."  
"a-haa.."  
"so i have a plan..you will fake to be dead and run off with thor and marry in secrecy and then your parents will have to accept the both of you".  
"perhaps,my intelligence is far below yours,dearest nanny,but wouldn't it be more simpler if we are to persuade our parents to make peace with each other?in the more normal kinda way...with negotiations and diplomacy?"  
"...erm no..."-oh, so erik was high.effin great.  
"hm,i wonder how would thor react to me faking my own death?"

 

a little reminder:


	5. Letter ....or ,no Letter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i saw that some of you read Nordic tragedy,so to make easier for you,here :http://archiveofourown.org/works/3540746/chapters/7793441

ok.ok.,...loki spit at the plan.like who will believe loki to be d.e.a.d. not even the those without a brain in theirs skull.ok.maybe thor would.  
the snow white princess took a deep,deep breath,and almost fainted... too much inhaling is never a good thing when one is in a corset .especially not the one erik wears-it makes his boobs pop out.now he is to face his father laufey.to make two grumpy incontinent kings (of their houses) to like each other...it can t be that difficult...surely ,they see how their fights are pointless. like:frigga makes better cakes (erm,no...she accidentally poisoned everyone in the house,so they had to hire volstagg).or laufey has 2 eyes,..i mean seriously...this is madness.  
"good day daddy"-said loki in the most girly tone.  
"can i ask you something"?  
"sure,my darling daughter,oh i mean -son"-damn ,he was not sure when it came to loki.  
"daddy ,um...what do you think of thor?"  
"odinson!?"-laufey s eyes turned red and his face blue-he looked like a large eggplant...an then there was this foam on his mouth...oh no!he s got the rabies again!  
"uh,never mind daddy..."-loki run,as fast as he could.  
_------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
mean while ,thor asked odin the same question about loki,and his response was :"uuuuuuuurghhhhharhghajj!jgjhahjk!"

  
the strangest part was-thor understood him, like completely.

  
\---------------------------------------  
loki was crying on his bed.firstly he cried coz the plan B ended before it begun,and then he cried some more...he messed his mascara.it was expensive...or was it?the nanny gave him that "hydra-gen cosmetics".shit !it was from that walking -store bucky!no wonder why his skin was so dry!oh,and now he broke his nail!noooooo!!!!  
"nanannyyyyyyyyy!"  
\-------------------------------------------------  
officially ,the begging of the plan A was to proceed.and that bunny-phobic nincompoop had to be informed.and who is to take a letter to thor?loki-no,it would be a mission impossible,unless loki was to run across the whole town,climb and jump from the roofs ,shoot some bad guys,memorize secret codes and have a fabulous hair through all that ....  
nanny-no,for it was unacceptable for a fine lady like erik to walk around the streets alone.vostagg-ha!he would get lost in that candy shop owned by a shawarma maker.  
there was only one option left-clint!  
one jump,and he had to stop and greet his teeth.it hurt so much.jump and it fucking hurt so much.jump...fuck you erik!you crazy junkie,i hope you ll get abducted by an alien(in this case a foreigner or a being form outer space)!"  
this is goin to take a while.he was hopping for and hour and crossed like...the whole 50 meters.good- he was proud of himself .that was fast.  
what gave him strength was that expensive read head whore from the whore house,owned by a pimp fury.and man,he really was a pimp.he had yellow teeth,fur in and on his carriage,which would sometimes go up and down.and he spoke in a strange pimp rhyme language.  
and there she was...the angel of his dreams ,appearing so innocent while smoking a male cigarette,her large bosoms falling out of her dress,making duck face while speaking to a client.  
it was that casanova jerk!he said something about a cash...or a rash?  
she got mad by that and totally kicked his ass.he landed on the dusty street.yeah!clint smiled-another one bites the dust ahahahaha-oh that would be good song!the sight of his beloved spinning around and throwing that bearded dwarf on the floor...  
"oh,be steady my heart!"-clint murmured."i wished i was a Cupid and that my arrow would strike my lady!"  
he wasn't looking and furry s carriage hit him.  
"aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!"  
his leg was cut off!  
he screamed in agony...his blood was gushing all over the people who gathered around.  
then he had a vision...his mistress was there,kneeling next to him-"fuck!it is a horrible wound.to endure this pain ,and before we take you to the medicine guy ,you need a cognitive re-calibration!"  
"a what?"  
"i ll smack you on the head."  
and she did.and the letter ...where is the fucking letter?

 

 


	6. Stupid Ass Chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is soooooooo ridiculous.i dont know what was i thinking..i wasn't.if you have any suggestions,pls.should i delete this chapter or...?

when clint came conscious he could only feel some pain ...but he got his leg again,all sewed up.the doctor,banner did an excellent work there.but there was one problem...since natasha hit him,so that he could not go through agonizing pain,loki s servant lost his memory.so,he was to do what?and he was ...um who?  
"forgive me doctor but where am i?"  
bruce took of his large glasses and checked barton s puls.everything was in order.  
"you called me doctor ,so that means that we are in..."  
( crickets in the background...)  
"um,.............................................hospital?"  
"bravo,yes!good!now clint do yo know what were you doing on that street .?"  
(checking them bitches..)  
"a-a."  
"well,that voluptuous madam natasha said that you were repeating something about bow and arrow and ...cupid."  
clint thought for a moment...  
"uh!i got it!i am a professional bow man!"  
"sooo,the diagnose- delusional and perhaps stupid.but you could be an archer (a stupid archer)."-he was saying that only to cheer up the poor sucker.  
clint smiled like a baby with a candy.  
"cool!"  
"um,but i dont know how to pay you...i...i don't have any money."  
"it is alright.Natasha paid."  
"she gave you the money?"  
bruce actually blushed like a tomato -"um..."-pause-"um...yes."  
(AOU spoilers!)  
\-----------------------------------------------  
loki was dancing like a ballerina wearing something long,white and lacy.  
"oh..loki...."-erik came,his eyes watery.  
"i found this in a casket of the vintage splinters this ...is my mother s wedding dress?i am so gonna marry thor in this."  
"oh,honey...those are the curtains."  
\------------------------------------------------------------  
barton was hopping around.he totally forgot where he was to go,and what was he to do,so he went to the whore house so he could properly thank Natasha and get some answers.  
the whore house-"shield-always protect yourself".yeah great name .  
the red head vixen waited him by the entrance.  
"mmmm,i was expecting you."  
"uh,you were?i..i..i.. came to gave you my gratitude fair lady.not only have you smack me on the head,but you also gave money to the good dr."  
"a-ha,yyyeeeeeeeeeeeea...i have.so that means that you owe one,right?come with me."  
he went into the small,room,and when the doors were closed,he saw this bald one eyed pirate,or something like that .he looked too gay to be a pirate.ok,maybe a gay pirate.(gay-a happy person/a gay person-clint can t decide)  
"yo,my man...!"-said the pimp fury.  
"we heard that you are an archer.right?"  
"uh,i only told that to dr. banner.how did you find out so quickly?"  
"you were crossing that street for two days.you aint that fast."  
"this is an undercover whore house.and i dont mean only an undercover whore house,i mean an undercover whore house".  
"so this is not an under cover whorehouse,but an undercover whore house ."  
"right!"-furry grinned,and man he had ugly teeth.is that something blinging there?  
"see,the old business is getting slow with this minor sickness going on."  
"you mean the flu?"  
"hm,the plague."  
"oh,so what do you do?"  
"i hire killers.this bitch over here is one of them."  
clint was confused.."um,but the plague...arent there enough dead pipl already?"  
"what,fuck no!there is never enough dead people there!i besides the mortician/priest phil gives me a commission ...for the new costumers".  
"mr. jo-jo-will you join us?"  
"um,yeah.sure.why not.i have no other place to go."(clint doesn't remember anything...just so that i dont repeat myself)  
"can you read or write?"  
"i can write,but i cant read".  
"great ,you are hired.we will test your bow and arrow abilities,and if you lied to us,i ll shoot in the leg!"  
when he was pushed into another room to be taken care of..whatever that means, Natasha handed the letter to furry.  
"those stupid motherfuckers...i dont care who this fucker thor is...he sounds like a pussy.i would never wanna do something with him,but this guy,loki-he is cool i would want him in our team.burn that letter.we got ourselves a new rookie.  
of course ,clint failed,and furry shoot him in the leg.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
so clint has not arrived for days,and had to move on,hopping that thor got the message in time.  
".now all you need to do is to pretend to be dead and i will tell your mommy and daddy ."  
"and they will fall for that...hahaha like that.oh,nanny you are so naive sometimes".  
"i have a perfect doctor who will examine you."  
"the only one i know if banner and he is not going to lie about something so serious nanny!"  
"but i know someone who will..."  
loki s got a migraine:"oh do not tell me..."  
"bucky!"

..........................................

  
loki was trained for this moment ever since he can remember-he slept through the whole day,he would think in bed,eat in bed,something else in bed,he would do absolutely nothing in bed,and now all he had to do is to be very very still.it was preposterous...i mean,he was still breathing.he is surrounded by idiots.facepalm.ok,imaginary face-palm.  
anyway..doctor bucky.oh fuck doesn't that sound stupid? so this doc,with a half covered face and an artificial arm looked sooo not suspicious.farbautti offered him cookies.he said ,no thank you -we have plenty on our side.whatever that means.his method to establish is loki dead or not:  
he would place some gold next to his ear.uh it was hard with all than clanking...loki could just imagine how that necklace looks like...  
or when he placed a hot chocolate in front of his nose!bastard...loki s mouth were watering...choc...no, think of thor,thor has more chocolate than bucky.besides it is bucky ,so that is not a chocolate but a warm po...  
"poison!"-the sinister doctor said.  
"your little girl here has poisoned herself."  
farbautti fainted ,and erik did as well,it was only a polite thing to do.laufey grieved in his own way and said that he is going to arrange the funeral.bucky offered other services as well...if they need some....like getting the cat off the tree,painting the house,feeding their neighbor to the fishes,...  
before he left ,bucky sniffed around the room taking some of this and some of that .  
by tomorrow all will hear the news.  
finally loki cold do something else for a change,so he moved for and inch or two and fell asleep.


	7. Pssssssst,Thor!

"noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"-thor heard the news !that yelling paper-boy on the street-"lady loki laufeyson is dead!lady loki is stiff as an icicle!loki is kaput,ya hear!the funeral is on Thursday at church!no witches,goblins,vampires,werewolves,whores or killers are allowed.unless they pay!"  
and thor was kaput himself.evidently his loki killed himself because of their parents and he was left with nothing,he screamed at odin and rushed out.actually odin threw him out.  
their fight was like:"UUUUUUUUARHA!"  
"GGGGGRAAAAAAAHGUAGGGGGHAA!"  
truly harsh words...  
for the funeral,loki dressed as best he could.it was all in presentation.his maiden non-friends like jane,sif and darcy are so to be jealous off him.even r.i.p he looks better than they.ha!except for that broken nail.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------  
everyone cried,of course,and thor was the loudest,like a combination of thunder and digestion problems-shit!(lol) did he not get the message.or maybe thor can not read.loki almost looked up when jane and darcy approached the coffin.  
"damn!where did he get that dress.?is that a push -up?"-darcy asked bitterly.  
"i believe those are the curtains ."-the other brunette girl was a bitch.  
loki gritted his teeth-"stupid smart jane foster!that feminist gold digging slut,she wants thor all to her self...well over my dead...oh!"

thor arrived last :!oh,no,no!my loki,my beautiful precious loki!why?why?"  
and loki was like:"psst..thor! psst!you idiot!"  
thor looked up,and saw loki starring at him.  
he screamed like a girl and fainted.  
the f word!

.......................................

  
after the ceremony ,and before the burial which was lead by the priest phil and his altar server boy(friend) steve(they were winking at each other tooo often.cough cough)loki sneaked out of the coffin and rushed to his room.  
it has been days after loki was supposedly buried .he still waited for clint to arrive and give thor an another message.meanwhile thor got absurdly drunk and desolated the taverns.  
"oh,i wish to leave this word!i can not be without you my love"!  
"hey,you wanna die,big man?"-someone asked.  
"who are you?"  
"i am a professional killer /coughs( since few days ago)coughs".  
"oh,will you kill me if i pay you?  
"but of course !i must buy myself a new leg!"


	8. The Church + Ghosts

after totally sucking in archery ,fury kicked clint out of an undercover whore house.and he got shot !so what was he to do ,hopping like a kangaroo,...this was not his day...no memory, no money,no new girlfriend ...then he saw this town drunk whining something about dying.hooray!maybe this is his lucky day-he ll get lucky...um no,he ll get money.  
so now thor was standing there ,he actually payed someone to give clint a bow and an arrow.the guy who gave them this,thought that a luzer like clint will probably commit suicide and he could not,but to help the poor chap.the even gave him the leftovers of his dinner.a fest for a servant boy!now,our blond hero thor, was crying and simultaneously drinking wine.and clint s hands and leg were shaking...  
a shot!  
\-----------------------  
thor was not hit-the bottle was,but there was all this red on his shirt,and thor was thinking.and it is better for thor,not to think...  
"welll this is it.,goodbye cruel world..."  
loki,who could not wait for his servant boy ,went towards odin s place on his own,only to find his fiancee,in a puddle of alcohol and ...there was clint with a bow.clint was hit in the head before,many times (by loki mostly) and he would get this crazy ideas... one time he thought that he was a ballerina,and another time he thought that he was a mouse.he would steal the cheese and tried to hide into a mouse whole ..yeah that didn't turn out well..so loki could only guess what was this time.  
when thor saw loki,he started blabbing something about angels and paradise.loki slapped him once or twice.  
"oh ,shut up you fool,you are not dead.and this is not paradise but,a shawarma street.the whole street stinks,cant you smell it?"  
"oh,oh i guess so...so loki ...either they have shwarama in paradise or i am not dead.oh!oh!that means that you are not dead too!"  
he pulled loki into a bone-crushing embrace,and kissed him all over his over-powdered face.now they both looked white as ghosts.  
when he removed himself from thor ,he turned to the servant:  
"come on...clint ,you moron,help me get thor up.we are to go to ..."  
"who are you to boss me around and why should i?you are no master of mine,you breast-less woman!"  
loki took a very very deep breath!  
"i am not breast-less!and you are my servant boy!"  
"i do not believe that !,clint pouted-"oh,i just got an epiphany-i...i am a cupid after all...i match people together.just look at you two!a drunk and an obvious slut!"  
and before loki could said anything clint tried to do a ballerina style dance on one leg and was out of sight  
..................................  
it was night and a full moon when they finally arrived at the church  to get marry.  
loki ringed a bell...and the priest phil coulson opened the doors.his eyes almost fell from their original place and he made a holly sign.there were two ghost at his doors ...and one was bloody!  
"you!you girl are suppose to be dead!"  
loki eye rolled.i am not a girl and if you do not mind,we would like to..."  
"stop !you shall not take one step into this sacred  place!"  
"what,my parents are donating a lot of money for your church,and i do not see any improvements here.but i can see that you bought steve new clothes.leather clothes!"  
"how do you know this ?uh,i mean it is not true,you unholy spook!if you approach me i shall be forced to use this!"  
"the holly water?you can not be serious..."  
but phil sprinkled loki anyways.  
"aaaa!my make up!i am melting!AAAAAAA!  
phil was shocked...  
"so,it does works!"


	9. Losers!

after loki s panic attack,and this was his worst nightmare...the "infinity lipstick" that is suppose to last all day and night was washed over!and it was to be his wedding!his wedding!he was a freaking bride and his days was ruined!  
"aaaaaaaaaaaa!"-his tears made traces of mascara all over his face!  
"thoooooooooooooooor!he hurt me!"  
to protect his love s dignity ,thor decided to face not the priest,but someone his own size-the altar boy steve.after priests bitchin,steve came from nowhere,dressed in a leather costume.he even wore a mask:"you called me father?!  
"yes,my boy-save me...save me!"  
so steve did,he used a plate and threw it at big guy...  
"to protect and serve"-said overenthusiastic steve now throwing a punch...  
"ew,"-thought loki...that coulson had more than a stick up his touchasse,obviously.  
thor avoided steve s direct and give him one.who was crazy here?certainly ,not loki...he ,in the end used that bowl of water to clean himself up,and grabbed thor by the hand dragging him aside.  
"next time ill kill you coulson!"  
"and you will not even see it coming,for ill come from behind!fuck you for ruing my wedding!"  
this was nothing new to the priest,he had a zombie couple few weeks ago .and before that a monkey and a zebra.  
steve stood protectively in front of his mentor."only i can..."  
coulson shook his head...  
"my boy,you did not understood the reference again."  
then the masked man froze...  
"what it is my son?tell me,confess.."  
"i don't know how to tell you this,father,but..i think i have an arrow in my..."  
\---------------------------------  
yes that was right ,the delusional clint was still in his cupid role and he shot an arrow right into steve s arse.the sigh of coulson taking that thing out was looking like they are doing something else.  
"woooooooooohoooo!another success!"  
he already wounded tony stark and he ended at bruce s place...it seems they two are getting along just fine!  
he saw a hawk today and yelled at him:"hey bird!i am faster and i see things better and more clearer than you!i should be called a hawk"!  
the bird though:"fucking loser!"

  
oh,this was clint s calling!now,how is next...um?  
\----------------------------------------------------------  
"now what, thor?who shall marry us?"  
thor scratched his head...  
"uuum...hey!i do know one person who can preform the ceremony.a judge!"  
"please don't say bucky,please don't say bucky,anyone but bucky..."  
"who is bucky?no...i meant my dad!"-oh,the blond oaf was so proud of himself.  
"what!?and there i was,thinking thor that you could not surprise me."  
"you are surprised by my wit?"  
"indeed i am" .(moron)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah,this is ..i can even..where is this story going...


	10. Sucky Wedding

..unfortunately they had no other option.to ride to the closest town would only mean that loki s hair would suffer damage,soooooooooooooo...getting married by a judge was the thing to do.what was fortunate ,was that odin has not seen loki since he was a boy and looked like a boy.  
thor rushed to his house to inform his parents that he has found his true love and wants to get married right away.frigga was like:"oh i knew it.i saw that sparkle in your eyes my son,oh who is the lucky lady?is she here?"  
"um,yes mother,but she is shy,and doesn't talk much."  
loki among his enemies.he felt like a princes in glass cage.thor chuckled coz loki had to change his voice to sound more feminine.  
he introduced loki as a sister of his asian friend hogun.and was fast to mention that hogun s parents are on a weekend trip to america and will not be home ,so no contact is necessary.of course thor has never went to the new world coz then he would know that a ship trip takes months,but whatever...  
odin told every1 that thor has fallen on his head when his was baby.it was not easy for someone of thor s brain capacity to find a right mate,so frigga persuaded his husband to marry this two.  
"do you mei jen ching hogunsister"-he looked at thor,who was totally confident with his great name idea.."...take thor odinson for your husband?"  
a girl with a voice that sounded like man is imitating a female voice said-"yes."  
"very well!  
"do you thor ,"-he couldn't repeated that shit -"take this lovely maiden for your wife?"  
"yes,yes!"  
"then i pronounce you.."

  
"stop"-laufey and farbautti were at the doors.  
\-----------------------------------------------------  
few hours ago....  
laufey was to visit his child s (the gender for a child is "it"-right?) grave when he saw doctor bucky selling dildos and popcorn.  
those were a hit-not the pop corn,the other thing.i mean, that strange product from the new world..?.people were still skeptical about that.but you know, if the ancient romans dig the home appliances,then y not?  
"are you the doctor who treated my loki?"-the large man hissed at the dildo seller.  
"that information may cost."-bucky murmured under his mask.  
so the more laufey paid the angrier he was.not only did bucky told him that loki was ok,but he saw her and thor at odin s place.plus, he offered him a discount for popcorn.  
"so i was right,!"-thought laufey-"loki is a girl after all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize to any asian readers.please,take no offense!


	11. Loki s Pet /Toy

clint s leg was so much better.it was used to all the skip-hop-jump-break-dance-ballet routine.  
he was in a search of his next victim.he decided to follow that strange looking guy bucky.yesterday he was taking the tree out,to get a cat from it.luckily no cat was harmed,but her owner was.but he got a commission from coulson...today bucky was on his way to the hydra-gen company,and clint was behind him.there was always a new costumer when bucky was involved.a costumer for the both.on his way he saw a house that looked familiar.and there were two,also familiar guys fighting.well ,not any more,thanks to clint.his sanity was to be back in 5,4,..an arrow went to odin s hiney,and then one to laufey s...2,1,0.  
"what..where am i ...?aaaaaaaaaaa!what is with my leg?!"-clint was screaming and loki saw him.  
"you idiot!look what you have done!"  
"oh,fuck!"  
\----------------------------------------------------------  
after laufey having a whole butt transplantation and odin went through painful surgery himself,and having a heart-shaped wound forever and ever,those two,by the power of cupid got close again.the pain (in the but) does make people come together.after spanking clint few times,loki called for him one day ,and kissed him all over.

  
"you idiot!you are a genius!i love you!"-clint was shaking and in shock.  
"because of you,our parents are on the good grounds again and we shall be married after all.tell me,what do you desire,more than anything,and i shall grant it to you."  
"um..if it is ok with you master...maybe my freedom..?"  
"no!"  
"um,just a little bit...like, few weeks of a vacation?just until my leg..."  
"no!if your leg does not get any better,then you shall get a wooden one."  
"but,but...a day?"  
"you ll get and hour of a break per year.anything else?"  
"no,thank you master."  
"good,now there are some serious preparations to be made.i shan't be wearing my mothers...um,drapes.not this time."  
yeah,preparations ...like clint escaping.


	12. Thorki/ Clint Sandwich

the bath tub was so relaxing and good.and the bubbles...so tickling hihihihih especially when your favorite little servant boy is there to wash you up.after dieting from his choco drug,for there were no shipping in months ,loki s thoughts were clearer.and that was noooooot a good thing.there was a perfectly good reason why loki wanted only clint to dress him (and undress him),to feed him,to let him spank him...loki always had a thing for clint.like a real thing.the one he did not felt will all those 250 men he came across,or over or under,or whatever..but clint was below him.by status,i mean.such a pity .but,loki had a thing for thor also ...uh,if thor and clint were one person,they would be an ideal guy for this vain princess.there were many obstacles...

loki knew clint had his eyes for that red whore,and thor was sticking to him like glue,and boringly respected loki s virginity.if loki could only marry thor and have clint there whenever he chooses...thorki/clint sandwich..mmmmmmmmmm,...and loki was so selfish-less to not to think of others...he would have both or at least one....and they /or he shall have a privilege to be married to the most perfect creature of them all.p.s.-there was this bitch snow white and she ,was like the pretties ...so loki put some green color in her shampoo...hehehehehe.bitch!

clint was afraid...loki was drooling again...and having that bitchy look...oh,he s screwed...literally... if loki was not a ...some sort of a guy and a horrible person,clint would like him,but...shit happens.and now his girly master is to be married off and clint can resign from his duties... oh,but loki was plotting.indeed he was...

\-----------------------------------------------------

"thor...do you love me?"

"more than anything loki"

"i was wondering...would you love me,if i run away?"

"nooo,loki...do not even try,for i shall search for you all over this pizza shaped planet!"

eye-roll:"the world is round thor!"

"you must not speak such things loki.people might think your are ...stupid."

loki got a migraine -"thorrrrrrrr..."-he purred again-"would you love me if iiii...stab you  in the ribs...?"

"of course loki...i would let you stab me not once,but twice..."

fucking nice thor,urgh...

"alright,but what if i ....kill someone...or more individuals...huh,what then?"

"oh,my dearest...i would give you a great big hug an asked what is the matter."

p.s.-this conversation was held while thor was being chained by a tree and upside down.for a good old precautionary measures.loki was no fool.

the best for the last...

"but i do not believe that you would love me if...if..."-loki forced a very transparent fake tears.

"if ,my love?"

"if i am pregnant,oh!"

silence and too much blood in thor s head...

"am i the father?!"

they never had sex...

"no,you idiot...!"

"loki...are you to be the single mother?"

"yes...oh,woe is me...."

"oh,my loki...who did this to you?"

\-----------------------------------

take a guess readers or give suggestions -who do u wanna for loki ,and thank u for sticking by...any feedback pls

 

 


	13. Frankly,I dont give a damn!

clint was crying in his small room.first thor had a sweet tender chat with him ,about loki s evident pregnancy.more like :boom!pow!pineapple in the head!run bitch run!bazinga!wham!  
and now...now he has to marry his master...loki actually corrected himself...he said that does not know who the father is...clint or thor...this way he could have what he wants...them both.clint sent a letter to natasha with a big red "help me!"and could only bite his nails before the big day.now all loki needed to do is to decide who he wants to marry.laufey was still in the bed,with a pain in his... and could not move around,but if he could he would totally kill odinson and barton.loki s mother just wanted for loki to be happy,so she said nothing.  
"what will you do,my darling?"-the nanny asked ,while fixing his corset,so that his boobs looked bigger.  
"i do not know nanny.and when the time is right,and there is no baby ..."  
"well you got yourself in a quite a pickle there.but i know a person who can get you a baby in time."  
"nanny.."  
"yes,loki?"  
"get the fuck out!"  
\------------------------------------------------  
natasha got clint s letter.the servant boy was in some kind of a trouble.when she passed laufey s house she would see him glued by the window whining like a puppy...his eyes begging her to save him..  
she liked clint,so she came,on her own and ringed the door bell. by the time loki arrived in the room she was all over thor,who was visiting.this was her little pay back for loki being nasty to clint.  
"natasha!"  
"hey loki!"  
"um...loki this is not what it looks like!"-thor defended himself.  
"so you dont have this cheap whore on your lap and she is not trying to choke you with her tongue?"  
"she was not trying to choke me.she said she would not."  
"oooooh!reeeally!?"  
"no,no,no loki.she said her ankle hurt from this high sluty heels and i offered to help her.i told miss russian to sit anywhere she wants."  
loki was throwing eye daggers.  
"hey thor,did you know that loki was my colleague...?"-she smiled like a crazy clown.  
loki was now red all over...shit!  
"oh,loki worked?where?"  
"uh,never-mind thor,this nice lady is just leaving now.isn't that right,my colleague from that established lawyer s office from a few years ago,hmmm?"  
"yeah,right.more like a few weeks ago...um,alright,but under one condition."  
"oh,no i am not giving you tony s un-der-we-ar !they are mine!my precioussssssss!"(he separated the syllables for thor s sake.luckily it worked.the big guy only had his brows furrowed).  
"no!i do not want what evry1 else has.and besides he still has ...um something that rhymes with a cash."(a rash)  
"uh. yuck,well he deserves it."loki crossed his arms."so what do you want,former accountant?"-he glared at her ,his eyes piercing.  
"that amnesiac ballerina guy you accused of ...being the baby s daddy."-she grinned.like...what in the world?did thor seriously believe that bs...or thor thought of loki being a....  
"buahahahahaha"-she could not but to lol and lol some more.

it pained loki to be blackmailed and to watch clint move across the street...it was the whole 1minute walk from loki.  
"clint!clint!"-he called him!  
"what will become of me ?who shall dress me now?!"  
"frankly,you crazy fucker,i dont give a damn!"

 

 

 

 


	14. Throki ever after + a pillow...

loki wore a pillow under his wedding gown and thor was smiling like a teletubbie ,constantly touching loki s belly and speaking to it.it was like...oh thor,i just realize,you are the father(of the pillow).  
the wedding was a huge one,and loki was the one in charge when it came to its preparations...a chocolate cake,a chocolate cookies,a hot chocolate,ok,also bunch of alcohol,...always in flowers .. it was a replica of loki s room,really.he invited very few people,mostly his girly-friends.and there was jane..hehehe loki smiled like hyena when he saw her.jane flipped him one when no one was watching.thor was surprised that none of loki s former colleagues were invited.khmkhm... then there would be a bunch of men here.laufey was talking to odin and few other noblemen...

  
"laufey why didn't you told us loki was a girl,we would then arrange marriage with our sons?"  
oh,loki has met their sons already...and earned some serious bucks.  
he,did missed his servant boy...  
clint was promoted from loki s servant to fury s servant.the bald pimp took clint again when Natasha told him that clint could do miraculous stuff when he gets hit on the head.good that clity-boy was not in the room to hear that part.  
............................................  
after the wedding...  
nanny rushed to loki...erika totally smelled of vodka.  
"now,thor will know...!"  
"what?"  
"that you sausage is larger than his and that you baby has a pony on it!"  
"do not worry..i ll tell him that we can do nothing until the baby is born.at last for another month or so."

"how do you know how big thor s sausage is?"

"and how do you know?"  
erik took a deep breath-he ate too much of those muffins-"so you are to be the only one who was pregnant for a whole 2 months?"  
"no one seems to find this strange.look at my clothes.it is too wide,and i do not get out much.and what for?i don't need to do anything,thor brings everything in bed when i ring the bell.oh,and when i need to pee..."  
"...and what about the baby?"  
"hmmmm...call bucky".

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont see a reason to continue this.thanks to all for reading,kudos-ing and leaving comments.luv u all.kudos to u guys


	15. The baby...

this was a strange request even for a metal hand(y ) man like bucky barnes.most of his clients wanted him to get rid of the babies,they did not ask for them.well shit.in this case tony was one of his most regular ones..."hey buckes ,buddy .see i got a problem here..."-the casanova would say..."another girl with these daddy issues blames me...that molly jean -not my love,man.she got the wrong guy here."  
some girls would shut up when tony would paid and some didn't know what to do with the babies,so bucky would give them to coulson.many kids went through the top secret program of becoming nuns or priests or altar boys like stev-o.but now were the rainy days.and this was bucky s fault.he was selling hydra-gen s condom made out of...you better not know of what...so, there were less kids these days,and he had to steal the baby .there was no other way ...but ...but where will he start?  
\----------------------------------------------  
a knock on the back doors...erik opened...there was a basket and a sleeping baby in it.and a letter:  
"this is a baby,nanny! i ll be back...at midnight.love bucky."  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
the new baby was very welcomed in the house of laufey and thor went out to celebrate the birth of his son with the whole tavern.and loki was ,as usual in bed,looking totally tired form them labors.  
"nanny i am exhausted..."he even convinced himself,but it was nothing a good old tesseract wouldn't help with.  
"from what?"-nanny said giving him one of those...  
"sitting...hey where did you said that this baby came from?i mean it is a healthy boy ,he doesn't look like a retard,and he isn't much of a fuss...and he is at least a year old.?or two?""  
"loki ,we need to have a little talk.uh.this is difficult....you see... when the two world collide..and there is a convergence...."  
"nanny are you talking about sex again?"  
"well you wanted to know where the a babies come from .."  
"i know that..,um i heard of sex....in the books....um...once."  
maybe he has convinced the nanny...just maybe...  
"i just wanted to know where did bucky found this baby,"  
the bell...  
it was midnight already.  
and there was bucky in the dark sitting in the kitchen eating an apple pie.volstagg was sleeping on the floor with the other half of the pie falling from his mouth and all over the beard.he was to drunk to ...to do anything...like open his eyes.it was a miracle that he was breathing at all.  
"so..."-loki said..."here is your payment..."  
among gold bucky wanted a gun and some metal and nails and some rose soap-for his mama.  
he nodded swallowing vostagg s pie..."ummm gooood"-loki doubted that bucky referred to the pie.the only reason volstagg didn't ate it before was the duration date-it expired a month ago.  
"where did you get that baby,barnes"-loki asked?  
"if you wanna to know...come with me...or something like that."


	16. Baby s Daddy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry that this has progressed in this path...i dont get the story myself.any suggestions about the baby s daddy will help.it is all illogical here so u can be as well

bucky led loki into the large house guarded by...guards-duh!a bunch of them. they were greeted by even more guards and a few servants ...and then at the end of an endless hallway there was a room where loki entered.but before that he had to open his wallet again.bucky used that metal hand of his for the wrong purpose,loki though.instead of doing something beneficial,like killing people,he was asking fora cash.sheesh ,one day he will surely open his own company,and spread bucky -copies all around the town.  
inside was a tall,muscly ,ugly guy..."i am thanos" ,he said.  
"um,i am.."  
"loki...i know you loki only too well.before i introduce myself properly,let me tell you a story... years ago you,as usual went to this party where you met a handsome,yet not so brilliant young man...but then again,all your boyfriends are like that.you do lose your criteria when you are drunk."  
"you mean tony?yes,he is part genius ,part-retard..."  
"no,the other guy."  
"his father?"  
"no!"  
"tony s butler jarvis?"  
"no,loki..."  
"tony s guard happy?"  
"no!no!"  
"tony s other guard rhodey.?"  
"no !you slut!look...the point is,miss loki... that you have completely forgot that this baby loki ,bucky gave you is...actually yours.-"  
"i am sorry,i don't follow."  
"i do hypnosis, loki and i had to hypnotize you after you gave birth."  
"errrrrr...errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....errrrrrrr..."-loki was without the words....like wtf?  
"lets put it like this-do you have a male organ down there ?"  
"i do and it is of an admirable size."  
"and what about the female organ?"  
"yes...um, i mean no...i mean...who told you!?i only used it when i have to pee!"  
"well you used it  for ,more things than that,it seems."  
"...let me get this straight,...you are telling me -that i gave birth to my own baby-that is just sick!you are a sick bastard!if my baby was not my baby that would be fine...but this!i want someones else s baby!i should have gotten a kidnapped baby!"  
thanos laughed-"it was only a business.some people just can not mix.like you and the baby s daddy."  
"the baby s daddy?"


	17. Shakespeare guy...

loki was one of the rare ones that were part male,part female....while his mother and nanny hid that,loki took the best of both worlds...he could do what he wants and be what he wants.they say that all the relevant gay dudes in the history were hermaphrodites -like alexnader the great,Cesar,that guy in the age of the cave man,..well he does count! like totally.ok,so...loki in his puberty was dating around,and boy was he popular...both among guys and girls...until he decided that he likes being a girl,a bit more than he likes to be a guy...you get the picture here wink wink.now he was puzzled.thanos said that he will reveal the name of the father if loki gives him ...the whole 10 golden coins.like hell he is!that is the cost of that new shoes from that armorannie (read this fast) store! no!the new mother would rather die then to be seen without them.and he could not steal any more from laufey s wallet coz he was now hiding it ,or taking with him.or placing it under his pillow ,when he went to bed.loki was a trickster ,and a shoppingaholic-he ,and his three friends would take the town...jane,darcy and sif(4 women,countless stores,countless men...does that remind u of something here?) .ever since loki bought himself that tiara that looked like he has horns and spent a fortune on it...  
"it s the newest fashion daddy!"  
but laufey was an ass...he could not understand how important it is for loki to have a golden horn tiara.the world was unfair!unfair!and it matched so well with his green dress that was made from china silk ,italian lace,and sewed by some orphan kid,and sold by the chitaurinel brand .  
but loki could steal something else -the nanny s tesseract...first he looked at his son...shit the boy had it all-the blond hair,blue eyes,golden mustaches...

hmmmm,...how many blond guys have loki dated...only....95...including thor...no,make that 97.  
"alright ,you gooey blue liquid medicine,you better be helpful here!"  
it took a while before his mind drifted to the night thanos mentioned...it was not so easy to go retrospectively through all those men...steve...no...he was sitting on coulson s lap giggling ,like he was confessing sins ...um,yeah.he will have to confess some more in the few hours.  
loki s eyes snapped!that smooth operator-that shakespeare guy-fandral!


	18. Gosspis Girl(s)

loki could only recall having fun with fandral that night.oh fuck!ok,what now...um...think loki think...thor returned drunk ,but in the best mood possible...he hugged loki,almost crashing his bones and then he kissed "his"baby boy.loki felt guilty.he couldn't sleep.that and thor was snoring like a lion.what if anyone realizes that the baby s mustaches are not similar to thors .and that the baby is a 2 year old .by the next year loki can sign him into that toddler s beauty pageant .it was 10 am .that is practically in the middle of the night,but he got his migraine again so he went to kitchen to make himself some tea.he was shocked by himself.he literally was the one to walk down the stairs and to took a cup-yes,by himself.he even put some hot water in it (gasps),followed by a few tea spoons of sugar and some dry mint herbs .he .made.himself.a.tea!aaaaaaaa! although,a normal person would do this within 2 minutes, loki made it in 20 but he did it-and it tasted foul-too much sugar."eew!"  
"shit...what if thor finds out...oh ,he shall never...fortunately i got a good,wealthy,and a dimwit husband...with the nice buns.the baby s father must remain a secret!"  
loki didn't know but he said all those things out lout.like his brain was some kind of a fruitcake sparkling boy with a stupid hair-do breathing down his neck.but then again,erik said he had a god in his head that look exactly like loki,and thor said that he has...nothing:"say it say it out lout.who is the baby s daddy!?"  
"fandral.."-loki murmured.  
a sound of a well know irritating voice came from the hallway:"eeeeeeeeeeek!you are such a slut loki laufeyson!"  
jane fucking foster!she and darcy came with the gifts for the baby,or more like ...their goal was to snoop around and fish for some gossips.but loki forgot about that.they said that they would arrive in the morning.well 10:230 am is not a morning!decent people still sleep then!  
"oh i .am.soo.gonna.tell.thor.about.this!you and his bff!"  
darcy snapped her fingers and moved her head like she broke her neck:"woorrrrrrrrd!u hoe!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wellsee21,u wanted a blackmail,so...


	19. Loki killed two people in 80 seconds

"i am on my knees,please do not do this!if you want to kill me then swing it,but do not do this!and may i say that dress looks so...um..urban on you."-loki pleaded as jane looked especially bitchy- proud that her enemy was humiliated.her request was simple- that hogun choo shoes !loki sold his father s horse to get them,and darcy wanted loki s tiara...he was now hyperventilating.  
"you sound like a mewling woman s organ, loki"-jane snorted-"the bargain is this :you give us what we want,and will give you two days to tell thor,or i ll be the one to tell him instead."  
"so that was your plan all along.thor odinson?"  
"oh you know it is all your fault!what right do you have to be a slut?"  
"a birthright!"  
"i dont care-your only right was to dye your hair in a more summery tone.this one is totally out!"  
"like totally,oh...jane is he getting a gray hair there?"-darcy teased.  
that was it for loki !a grey hair?!he snapped and grabbed shorty jane by the neck lifting her up.darcy jumped to help,and since she was strong,loki let jane go.it was an important thing that he doges darcy s big breasts.she was known to smash glass with them.he saw a broom,took it and slammed upon darcy s head.she fell...jane started screaming...and slapped loki few times...shit ,she could give a punch...

  
that cookie jar! erik hid his "medications" there-loki was quick-the first thing he grabbed was a bottle of "the aether"-a natural potion that provides (eternal) rest,blablablah.and loki never saw the smaller letters-and a brain damage.when that short bitch opened her mouth to scream again-he poured some some of it in.ok,ok he poured the whole thing in her mouth.she immediately stared chocking hit the floor.her eyes went dull and black.  
"isnt this more simpler-when you are quiet?you always nag!and you are not getting my hogun choo shoes!or my tiara!they make me look taller!oh no...jane...jane?"-that bitch was not movin...and neither was darcy...oh-oh!has loki just killed two people in the 80 seconds?he will end up in jail!aaaaaaaaa!and jails are sticky and have legos all over the floor and they made you walk over them!and he would not have his hair products there....oh,no...he had to get rid of this bodies...  
"nanny!"


	20. The Names

thor and volstagg were tasked to take incredibly heavy caskets full of loki s ,hmmmm shoes from their villa.  
"if it was not you,miss loki,i would suspect having a dead body inside"-volstagg commented .  
loki forgot how to breath for a moment,but thor took that as a joke-"but,fortunately it is our dear loki.and we all know how loki likes new clothing.do not worry,love. we shall dispose of your old ones and i ll buy you some new in no time.uh,i forgot...when have darcy and jane left the gifts?"  
"um,at 10 am,but you were sleeping so..."  
"haha,oh ,my son takes after me -we both sleep long into the day.maybe we should call him sleepy ned?"  
"excuse me!i .am .not calling my son- sleepy ned!"  
"uh it was merely a suggestion,wife."  
"you know what?since you are so good to me,lets make a compromise and call him sleipnir-it sounds similar,but not dumb."  
thor agreed and kissed loki .almost dropping the casket that contained jane.  
loki told them to leave the caskets at the dumpster .  
.......................................................................................................................  
few hours later,darcy opened her small prison and looked around-"eeeew the stench!jane !are you in that box? jane?!"  
she freed her friend who was still high from the aether ....  
"jane are you OK-what happened?i remember us having a discussion with loki about somethin and then all went black".  
"uh,the last thing i remember was a white haired midget ,a flying fortress,you having a small music box and then you could not find it,loki wearing black pants, thor kissing my hand,..."  
"shit girl,did bucky sold us that stuff again?it seems you got a better merchandise than me.my hallucinations are stuck at this delicious dessert.it s a rectangular pre-baked pastry cookies or whatever they were..we could earn a fortune by making our slaves bake them! that would like totally pop in our neighborhood! oh!oh!lets call them pop-err something.i ll think about that.i am so grateful for drugs you know?! "  
jane sighed-"lets go home.no one must know about this."  
"Darcy would not shut up-"oh! a turtle! a pop-turtle!"  
"a pop-turtle!?!"  
"yeah!use your imagination!"  
"when i do that i only see numbers.i .am.practical"  
"neeerrrrrrd!"

  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
although ,loki tried to remain apparently calm and careless the whole day,he was a nervous wreck.so,far so good...still there were no news of these two dead.nothing until 7 pm,when he received a letter:"dearest loki,meet me at the pond in your garden ,at midnight."  
"sincerely  
me"


	21. Chocolate or vanilla

another night spent in waiting ,anticipating...what a bs.and he was to get his period soon.could this be any worse?!  
"loki!"  
"huh?you?"  
"me."-fandral.what was he doing here?  
"fandral,what are you doing here?"  
"well,jane told me a strange story."  
"w..what do you mean jane?um, i mean,what story?"  
"she and dracy were probably smoking some weed .they woke up at the dumpster outside the town..."  
loki breathed out.he ll have to pay her a visit to make sure that all is lokey-dokey.and maybe ,just maybe slap that bitch.grey hair!?  
"loki?cat got your tongue?"  
"what was this urgent matter,anyway?are we under an attack or have they closed the "ass-guardian" tavern?"  
"do not say that twice loki.that is a decent tavern with a decent ladies.no...um jane told me that little sleipnir is my son."  
when loki gets nervous he starts babbling shit-"um that was the plan."-what,fuck-no,shut up brain...no...shut up mouth-brain start working!  
"what?"-fandral raised his brow.  
"uh i meant-It's not that I don't love our little talks, it's just... I don't love them.now fuck off fandral!i hate you"-darn period.  
"if the kid is mine,ill tell thor!"  
"you are an idiot!"  
"possibly!"-the ken doll person smiled wickedly.  
\------------------------------------------  
loki was shaking like a lief all night when he got a :doom doom doom on the doors.  
although the doors were 1 meter behind him he called for-1.the servant ian-he was a pitiful replacement for clint.then he screamed for volastgg-but he was still sleeping and dreaming of 1 sheep being cooked for dinner,2 sheep being cooked for dinner,..nanny-but it seems that erik had a rough time getting in corset,so poor loki had to do two steps to open them.he had to do everything now.no wonder he was constantly exhausted.he wanted to cry.at least he looked so pretty when he cried-his big eyes makes every1 melt.suckers hehehe  
who else-bucky.  
"this is madness."-loki greeted his teeth.  
"is it,is it!?"-bucky murmured under his mask.  
"look, you dildo selling ,half face,half brain with no hygiene-i am not paying you a thing.unless if you are selling cookies."  
"thanos told me who the father is.and it is not fandral.in fact that pretty boy paid thanos to hypnotize you."  
"what!?"  
"coooz he loves ya -he has been tryin to get thor away from you and everyone else-he has even told tony that you gave him the rash.ok now he is in this weird bromance shit with the good doctor...so he is cured now l.o.l."  
"come inside ...and give me those cookies!"  
"chocolate or vanilla ?"  
"both!"

 

...

 


	22. The Daddy Issues

while loki was tryin to determine is that a chocolate int those chocolate chip cookies or is that related to the mouse population that over took the town ,bucky took of his mask for the first time.  
loki could not but to choke on the cookie and lol almost falling from the chair-"hahahahaekeheheheghihihhihohoho...oh my!you are a baby face!and your skin is smooth as a baby s butt!look at those cute cheeks"-he pinched them and buck slapped his hand away.  
"why do you think i wear the mask,huh?it s bad for the business to be cute!"  
"i can not blame you,you look like a puppy...maybe a pekinese doggy !heheheh.oh ,and what about your arm?"  
"its a sleeve glove-my mom made me."  
"aaaaaaaaaawwwwwww...honey."  
"shut up!do you wanna know who made you that kid with the mustache or not?"  
"oh yes...and what do i have to give you for that information?"  
"um.."-bucky was blushing.."a kiss?"  
loki cocked his head teasingly-"you want me to kiss you?"  
"m-hmmmm.."-it was utterly funny how shy bucky was.maybe he was a virgin.  
"...and you will tell me afterwards,yes?"  
"m-hmmmm.but i want a real kiss.like french people kiss,you know?"  
"well of course that i know...not!what do you take me for?oh,come here"  
loki kissed bucky sending both of them to the floor,and practically raping his mouth with his tongue.bucky was totally shocked and loki...well horn(y) as always.  
"loki nooooooooooooo!"-thor was at the doors in his pajamas.  
"oh!thor?i...um..."  
"has this man tricked you with the cookies and then tried to take an advantage of you?"  
"why yes...that is how it was."-said loki ,adjusting his hair and dress.  
++++++  
we shall skip the fighting scene between thor and bucky...but few scenes can be mentioned -bucky threw the plate to thor s head,but there was no damage there.guess why?  
he also threw few knifes,but thor ducked under the table....  
thor found a small hammer for the nails...bucky run down the streets,and thor after him....  
+++++++++  
the neighbors were familiar with men fighting over loki,who was now running after this two:"thor come home!"  
clint who was promoted from cleaning the toilets to cleaning the floors,had also enough free time to build himself a proper nest (branches and all)on the roof of the whore house-"shield-protect yourself".  
he saw everything from there,including this little affair.  
"don't. don't do that to yourself, clint. this is loki..".natasha yelled from the window.she knew clint to the core.  
"i gotta fix this .at least for the kid s sake .he does not deserve this shit."  
"i didn't know my father either,you know.."  
"he died?"  
"no,he became a circus clown.and went away.we never saw him again.he was an  ambitious prick and was after his carrier.i hate clowns!urgh!"  
she nodded.having a dad clown was a horrible,horrible thing,indeed.

  
.....................................................  
loki crossed his arms when he saw clint in the kitchen.  
"i know who is sleepy ned s dad."  
"sleepy ned?!"-stupid thor who can not remember his kid s name!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY1MVQeeStY  
> this video is for all poor eastern europeans and those who wanna know how it is to be a poor eastern european.lol  
> spread the love


	23. Paternity test

  
"..and you say ,you know who this is.how is that?"  
"i was your servant,remember...you dragged me everywhere,even to the parties.someone was to look after little old drunken you."  
"hey,watch your mouth sparrow!"  
"it s hawk,ok!?and i am not doing this for you but for your son,he deserves to know who his father is.do you wanna hear this or not?"  
"alright,i am sorry."  
this was the first time that loki has apologized for anything,and clint barely hid his satisfaction .he was grinning like a chipmunk.  
"that night you were with...fandral.you were drinking and all,and he was pouring you one after another,wanting to get you slutty and easy.i think he didn't had to go through all that effort to do so ... but he didnt know that you can drink more than he.then you saw thor,and crashed fandral s ego by leaving him there."  
"so,it was thor,who..!?"  
clint nodded.  
"woooooohoo!success!"  
"but wait a moment-how did i get hypnotized and how does thor not remember this?"  
"well...it s like this-you and thor were  dating,and fandral payed thanos to do thor first and afterwards you.it took 2 minutes to erase thor s memory and it took few hours for yours."  
"but how come no one knew i was pregnant?"  
"you wore those wide dresses.i didn't know until i joined the secret...uh,i mean the whore house.you know what they say-whores know everything."  
loki was still not convinced.  
"OK ,thanos pretended to sell diamond necklaces from house to house.and...of course you didn't find that strange at all..."  
"diamond necklaces?!"-loki s eyes grew wide with excitement.  
"those were fake infinity stones-but you are drawn to the shiny things and he let the necklace go left-right above your head.and like that you were out.  
"oh,well that seems logical.did he used them on thor too?"  
"for thor he used a stake."  
"i believe you.thank you so much clint!"  
loki jumped over and hugged his former servant boy,and clint was fidgeting like a worm,but then...  
"loki nooooooooo!"  
shit,thor.  
"has this man sneaked into our house and attacked you?"  
"um....yes thor .he did"-well loki had to think of his reputation ,right?  
+++++  
lets just skip few scenes where thor attacks clint.  
+++++  
clint is fine....he is just bleeding everywhere.damn shit if he is to go back there ever again!  
and just when loki thought everything was fine and dandy-fandral ,jane and darcy appeared.  
jane:"thor ,loki is lying -fandral is the baby s father,not you!"  
thor-"whaaaaaaa...?loki never lies!"  
"it is true thor .i did not meant to hurt you,you are my bff after all,but ...loki was after your money."  
"that is a false accusation!!i wanted chocolate as well.and besides little sleipnir is thor s !and that s that!"  
"oh, we shall see about that,lets do a paternity test,shall we,hm?"  
thor:"a whaaaaaaaaaa?"  
\------------------------------------------------------  
dr. banner was few blocks away so they were there in no time.they actually interrupted him and tony while playing "a doctor".  
after dressing,bruce,still blushing and averted his gaze-i mean, his patients just saw the full moon wink wink.  
"what seems to be the problem?"  
"we need to determine who is the father of this boy"-fandral said and loki gave the kid to the doctor.  
"ah,let me see...he seems healthy,and he does have a long mustaches..."-fandral smiled.."oh,and a beard..."

  
"now,i see that you ,sir do not have a beard so it must be the boy from this large fellow here".-now thor smiled.  
"oh i knew you would never cheat on me loki.i luv you so much!"  
loki eye-rolled,if this was a paternity test then he was a snowman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think there will be only 1 more chapter,if u wanna,and u gotta tell me what u wanna see.p.s-thanks to all the readers,kudos-givers and those who bookmarked this stupidity.thank u sooooo much


	24. Ta-Daaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaa!

in the years that followed this is what happened to our dear(coughs coughs-well fuck them-they r all morons) heroes:  
anthony edward stark/casanova cheated on bruce and got this terrible disease that was spread by the chickens-and his prick has fell out!  
the truth i tell you.bruce forgave him,but didn't forget-he sewed it upside down.  
tony never cheated again.  
before that he tricked his servant jarvis,and locked him into a box.jarvis was never seen after that day,but you could hear his voice.even now children are being scared with the stories of a man hidden somewhere inside the house saying:"may i help you?""would you like a tea or a coffee?" and "oh,my there is a tarantula in here!"  
jane was so frustrated that she couldn't get thor that she and darcy made a pact of becoming a lesbians.the broke up coz jane was jelous of darcy having larger boobs.  
after that darcy started dating bucky and realized that she likes his products .jane went to the monastery and find out that they do more things for fun then just pray.  
steva and phil became inseparable and steve wrote a love story based on them two.it was a disaster and they had to run in front of the inquisitors.they ended up at steve s parents .steve s parents are religious.  
bucky started washing his hair,and was surprised by the amount of animals there.  
fury closed the wore house after natasha and clint run away.now he opened a secret undercover bakery shop.the business bloomed-especially with the poisoned muffins.  
natasha and clint married-he became a house wife matching his girly friends with they an ideal men and natasha was the one to earn the money-clint never asked where does she get so much of it and why does she work only during the night.  
one day the circus arrived into town and he saw his dad.he was wearing pants filled with water and a plastic nose.it was a touchy moment for them both.  
erik found the love of his life-it was the servant ian.ian wasn't happy with this.  
vostallgg won in the pork eating contest-every day in the week.he died after drinking tea with one tea spoon of sugar too much.  
loki applied sleipnr into the little miss sunshine pageant and he won!maybe coz thor beat the shit out of the judge.  
thor farted in bed so loki kicked him out,but that didn't change their feelings for each other.they had more kids than brangelina and loki bought himself some new hogun choo shoes.  
thor never noticed that his kids look so different.


End file.
